~ ~ ~ ~

She'd always been a night person. As a child she would slide open the window in her bedroom and find escape and peace in the quiet, still back yard. The moon would wash a pale luminescence, making the trees and shrubs look unfamiliar and beautiful, and the only sounds would be the muted chirping of crickets and the tiny popping noises of earthworms in the grass. Here there were no ringing telephones, no strident voices, no loud music. Her steps were silent and her own arms looked pale and silvery, and she felt like she belonged there, wrapped in a silent cocoon of spun moonbeams.

~ ~ ~ ~

She took a deep breath and deliberately relaxed, allowing the sights and sounds to go pale and mute as she entered the sound stage with her mother close by her side. There were groups of other kids clustered around the concession table in the corner, and she hesitated, struggling for calm.

Her mother leaned down to hiss in her ear. "There he is. That's the one, honey." She gestured toward a thin boy with blond curly hair and a bandana, and her hand tightened on Britney's elbow, pushing her forward. "Go make friends with him."

For a moment the protective membrane around her shimmered and thinned as her mother's command sunk slowly in. It had always been hard to just walk up to strangers and introduce herself, but she was years past saying no to her mother. She took a deep breath, pinned on her brightest smile and deliberately skipped over to the kids clustered around the food table.

"Hi!" she bubbled. "Hi. I'm Britney." She stuck out her right hand and curled her lips into her most engaging grin. "I'm new."

The boy smiled back, showing a mouthful of very even very white teeth as he shook her hand. "Justin. And, uh, I'm new too." He had a soft southern drawl not unlike her own, and she relaxed, just a bit. He gestured at the other boy. "This is JC."

The other, older boy smiled, his face crinkling into a smile around blue eyes and a large nose. He nodded at her, murmured something that sounded welcoming. His voice was soft, and his ears and front teeth stuck out, and she knew without checking over her shoulder that he was someone her mother would dismiss as being of no consequence. She turned her attention back to Justin, but he was looking away, reaching for the water bottle JC was handing him.

"So." JC spoke softly, "I, uh, I guess I can show you guys around, if you want." He smiled at Justin, and turned to include Britney as the silence became awkward. "Both of you."

"Sure, that'd be great." Justin turned to wave energetically at his mother, and Britney moved back a couple of steps. She was very aware of her own mother's eyes on her back as they followed JC onto the sound stage, and automatically checked her posture as she allowed the protective bubble to close softly around her, shielding her from narrowed eyes and spiteful thoughts.

~ ~ ~ ~

The end of her first day, and she was ready to go. She was careful to say 'bye to Justin, and smiled brightly at his mother as he introduced them. His mother had kind eyes, and seemed relaxed. They left before her own mother appeared at her side.

The grip on her elbow tightened, pulled, but as she was led away she turned her head to watch them walk out to the parking lot. Justin was talking animatedly to his mother, waving his hands and laughing. Her head was bent attentively, her hand gentle on his thin shoulder as she smiled at him. Britney couldn't stop herself from watching them until they were out of sight.

~ ~ ~ ~

Six months later she and Justin were friends after a fashion, mostly because her mother had determinedly become friends with Justin's mother. Justin wasn't all that interested in hanging out with Britney off the set, but he would no more defy his mother than she would hers, although perhaps for different reasons.

And with her mother's prompting, she made sure that they spent as much time together on the set as possible. She sat beside him during the school tutoring periods, she took her breaks at the same time he did, watching the other cast members' rehearsals seated at his side. Years of practice made her an expert at reading people, and she quickly figured out who Justin liked and who he didn't by the expression on his face. He would smile, just a little, when watching someone he liked go through their routine. When watching someone he didn't like he would cross his arms and tilt his head slightly to the left, his face completely impassive.

She leaned on the back of Justin's chair at the rear of the sound stage, watching JC and Tony practice a new song, one eye trained on Justin as he cocked his head and crossed his arms. "Well, that sucked didn't it?" She followed that statement up with a breathy little laugh she'd just perfected, and was startled when Justin rounded on her, his blue eyes suddenly narrow and vivid and furious. She choked off her laugh and froze at the sudden assault on her senses as the world around her veered without warning into noise and loud colors.

"What do you mean? Who? What do you mean by that?" He was almost hissing at her, having apparently gone from zero to ten on the mad index before she could even blink her eyes. The heat of his anger blasted her, making her gasp and she scrambled to save herself.

Color and sound crashed discordantly through her as she fought to think quickly. "Well, the song sucked, I mean. . ." seemed the safest answer, since she might have read Justin wrong, and she took a breath when he leaned back from her, seeming to relax.

"Well, yeah, the song, maybe." His voice was sulky rather than angry, and she looked closely at him, trying to figure out where the fury that had been evident just a moment ago had gone. Justin's eyes were fixed on JC as he moved easily around on the stage. His voice was quiet, but his eyes were still distinctly chilly. "You don't get to talk shit 'bout JC, though. He's got the best voice here, you know." The look he gave her was faintly scornful and she drew back, stung.

Later, her mother was jubilant. "Such a talented kid. Definitely someone worth knowing." She gave Britney a fond glance and patted her knee a little too hard. "And I saw you having that intense conversation in the corner today. Good girl." Britney looked out the passenger side window and thought about the moon, her eyes drifting half-shut as she willed the bright sunny landscape, the tinny sounds from the car radio and her mother's voice to recede and fade into a peaceful, pale silence.

~ ~ ~ ~

She lost touch with Justin when the show ended, despite her mother's best efforts. She sang at weddings and football games, and continued to take dance and singing lessons, and once in awhile her mother had news about her former cast mates. Such news, and the way her mother phrased it, usually made Britney feel like she couldn't breathe.

But things started to speed up a few years later. The tireless campaigns finally landed her a record deal, and a Swedish production team provided her with a fire proof hit single, and her new manager provided her with a sexy Lolita look. It all came together, just like a movie, and she was busy and brave and nobody cared that she couldn't dance and sing at the same time, that she had to lip synch to the music in live shows. As long as you gave people enough to look at, what did it matter?

Her mother told her it was a form of performance art, and that she shouldn't be defensive. So she wasn't. It didn't really have anything to do with her, anyway.

~ ~ ~ ~

Long days of taking the path of least resistance wore on her, but she found that even in crowded, noisy cities there were places of peace to be found when she snuck out her window at night. The garden in the hotel, the children's park around the corner, such places were always deserted at four in the morning when the moon hung in pale splendor and the everyday noises were dampened and far away. Once in awhile she passed a pale, silvery creature like herself, but they never spoke to each other. She was content for it to be that way.

~ ~ ~ ~

She turned 17, and it was her manager's idea for her to have a high-profile romance and a best friend. Britney was not consulted.

The best friend issue was solved when her mother sent for her cousin Laura. Britney barely knew her, and suspected from the first that she was more of a spy than a confidant, as she spent most of her time with Britney's mother or security guard. She faded easily into the background and Britney relegated her to the constant low grade babble that followed her everywhere.

Prince William was the first boyfriend prospect. Laura reported that Britney thought William was cute, and her mother, visions of Princess Grace of Monaco dancing in her head, was all over it. Her public relations department let the press know she was a virgin as her people talked to his people, so there would be no question about the suitability of her companionship. The thought of actually meeting him alarmed her, but she sent him her cd and exchanged a few painfully self-conscious emails with him. The prince was embarrassed to be associated with her brand of bubble gum music, but it garnered some good press, which was the ultimate goal anyway. It only occurred to her later that it might have been nice to have someone her own age to talk to. Someone who understood about domineering parents and living in a cacophony of noise and color.

It was her mother who suggested Justin Timberlake. Britney's memories of her time on MMC had faded into the muted black and white that so much of her life had become, and her memories of Justin were only a little more colorful and three dimensional. She hadn't even seen him for almost four years. She'd forgotten that their mothers kept in sporadic contact. Nsync was making something of a stir in Europe, but it was nothing like the sort of buzz Britney had going on. Nevertheless, Britney's mother was jubilant that Lynne Harless had contacted her this time. "She says he asks about you, honey." Her mother beamed at her. "He still remembers you."

~ ~ ~ ~

Back home, girls her age were going shopping in groups for their prom dresses, gathering at slumber parties to play with make up and hair styles, staying up all night giggling and talking about boys.

Her make up and hair people had just left, and wardrobe hadn't yet arrived to pour her into the outfit her mother had selected. She was alone as she sat at the make up table, her silent hotel room semi-dark. There had been a lot of light, a lot of noise that day, photo shoots, publicity appearances. She looked at herself in the mirror and wondered distantly if applying visine would ruin the careful eyeliner job.

It had been arranged that they would meet up tonight, at an after-awards party, and she tried for a minute to remember what Justin looked like. Someone had shown her a picture from a teeny mag, he'd cut his hair and bleached it too white, but the bright smile had been the same. She wondered if talking to him would take any less effort than all the other people she had to talk to, smile at, charm. She practiced in the mirror for a minute. Sultry smile. Friendly smile. Charming smile.

She heard her mother's voice at her door, and automatically straightened up. She did the Brilliant Smile and checked its perfection in the mirror as the wardrobe people entered.

~ ~ ~ ~

And of course they were strangers again after these years of not seeing each other, but at least he was a polite stranger. JC and the others in the group were also kind, and they had a careless and affectionate way of dealing with each other that baffled her. Their congratulations on her success seemed very sincere, and she found herself relaxing against her will. She watched Lance and Joey laughing in a corner, Joey's hand at the nape of Lance's neck as they giggled at some private joke. Justin and JC were part of a group of people, laughing and talking, but when Justin leaned to speak quietly in JC's ear it suddenly seemed like they were alone in the room. She was fascinated at their ease with each other. She wondered what it would be like, to be touched with something resembling honest affection.

"So." Justin's smile seemed a little forced, a little embarrassed. "So, your management's been talking to mine, and my mom's been talking to yours . . ."

She allowed herself a careful laugh, and let her Louisiana drawl creep into her voice. "Yeah, yeah. I know." She shrugged, and raised her eyebrows at Justin, who seemed to be blushing. "So, what do you think about it?"

"I guess it's a good idea. I dunno, I mean..." he trailed off, looking silently over her shoulder at something, chewing on his lip before bringing himself back to the conversation with a little shake. His blue eyes were very serious. "I know it would make things easier for both of us, probably. I mean, we're all so busy, and there's no time for real dating and stuff, and it'd be good publicity for both of us, you know?"

She nodded. She knew. "Especially since we knew each other before."

"Yeah. It makes a good story." He huffed out a breath and seemed relieved to have gotten everything said. "Well, you know, just between you and me, if there's someone else you want to go public with, just let me know and we can do the easy 'we'll always be friends' thing." His smile was friendly, warm, no longer impersonal, and why did he seem suddenly bigger, more colorful than before? His hair was so blond, his eyes so blue. The noises of the party suddenly intensified and she had to take several deep breaths before things settled into the quiet, muted peace she needed.

It was a perfectly sensible idea, and too much work had gone into this plan already for her to say no. So now she had a boyfriend, just like other girls her age. As Justin escorted her to her limo, his hand careful on her bare back, she wondered why she didn't feel any different.

~ ~ ~ ~

They spent some time together, usually with one or more of Justin's band mates and her own mother and cousin in attendance. Not a lot of time, just enough to stir speculation in the press, just enough so she and Justin could have the opportunity to refuse to comment.

Nsync was on tour, and she was in rehearsals for her next tour, but she had a few days off and her mother said it was time to visit with Justin so her entire entourage flew to Detroit. He'd called her as soon as she checked into her hotel room, and she was unexpectedly pleased by the warmth in his voice. They would have dinner tonight, just the two of them, he said, and lowered his voice when he added that he thought she might like to have a break from her mother and cousin. She was surprised to have the option.

Her mother was not pleased, had always intended to at least be nearby but Britney had learned that passive resistance would sometimes get her her way, and it worked this time. But their conversation had generated a headache by the time her security escorted her to the restaurant, and instead of being her usual calm self she found herself venting to a completely sympathetic Justin.

Usually she passed her meals in a careful haze. She was extremely adept at seeing only the food she was allowed to eat, only the people she was supposed to talk to, and saying only the things she was supposed to say. Justin thought meals were a treat, especially meals in a restaurant, and encouraged her not only to talk about things she wasn't even accustomed to thinking about, but to eat things she never considered.

He was charming, bright eyed and golden and personable, with a loud laugh that startled her even as she laughed along, and a huge grin that showed gleaming teeth. In her muffled and quiet interior world he was suddenly vivid, loud, larger than life, and he was kind to her. He held her hand, and put his arm around her shoulder, and smiled at her in a warm way. He told funny stories about his band mates and crew, and seemed surprised that she didn't have similar war stories to share. He encouraged her to talk, and seemed to really listen when she did. She felt a completely alien flutter deep in her perfectly toned stomach, and even a solitary walk in the moon-drenched hotel garden at three in the morning didn't make her wish it away.

~ ~ ~ ~

The next time they were in the same place at the same time it was Los Angeles, and they couldn't go to a public restaurant but Justin invited her to his hotel room. Surprisingly, her mother did not insist on accompanying her, sending her off with only a bright smile and an admonishment to "be careful, and don't get caught." She had a feeling she knew what that meant, but didn't think too deeply on it. She watched the stars and the moon through her limo's clear sunroof and tried not to think about anything at all.

Justin was at the end of the hallway when the elevator disgorged her onto the penthouse level, having what might have been an argument with JC. They were standing very close together, JC speaking softly but forcefully into Justin's ear. Justin was nodding, biting his lip, and his hand rested carefully on JC's waist. They didn't see her and she turned away, not wanting to know what they fought about. There was a long silence before she heard JC whisper "there she is..." and another silence before Justin hailed her. She turned back to them, pretending that she was only now looking their way, and JC gave her a cheerful wave before disappearing into the room behind him.

Justin met her with a perfectly warm smile, hugging her and once again splintering her perception with bright colors and loud sounds. She felt that flutter again as he leaned in to kiss her cheek and she suddenly knew what her mother expected her to do. She wondered if she could go through with it as Justin took her hand and led her to his suite. She heard him take a deep breath as he opened the door, and the thought that he was as nervous as she gave her courage.

He closed the door carefully and leaned in to kiss her on the lips. He ran his fingers carefully under her hair and along her jaw line, his tongue moving slowly around hers and she was surprised to feel the stomach flutter twist and deepen into a persistent ache between her legs as he slid his arms around her and pulled her against his body. She took a deep breath and relaxed against him, twining her arms around his neck, waiting for his hands to cup her breasts. He was so intense and vivid, his mouth warm against her and his body was burning. She closed her eyes and waited.

But he sighed, leaned away, hugged her for a moment before letting her go, putting her gently away from him. He murmured apologies that she didn't understand, spoke about their agreement and how she'd always been so good to him. She didn't understand any of it, only knew that what her body was now clamoring for something it was not going to get. For a moment real pain sliced through her and she closed her eyes, bit her lip, and struggled to remember pale silver light and glorious silences and a place where she knew what was expected of her and could be at peace.

Justin was still holding her hand but he'd fallen silent and she finally opened her eyes and looked at him. He looked worried and she wondered if it was for her or for himself. Experimentally, she patted his hand and was rewarded with a blinding, grateful smile. He told her he was so happy that he could trust her. She thought only that he had felt her hesitation and decided that she wasn't ready, and his kindness made him even more real to her.

~ ~ ~ ~

Nothing changed for them. They talked regularly on their cell phones, and visited each other, and finally told the press that yes, they were dating and had been for awhile. Her publicist advised her to start refusing to answer the virginity questions rather than lie, and she was embarrassed to tell him that she wasn't lying.

And their telephone conversations were things she looked forward to. Justin was kind, always asking how she was, what she was doing, how she felt about things. His life seemed so noisy, always there were other people in the background when he talked to her, usually JC who would always lean into Justin's cell phone and say hello. He didn't share her need for solitude and silence, but he seemed to understood her need and often reminded her that she needed to take a break, to rest and get away from the chaos that surrounded her. In her flat and often muted life Justin had become multi-dimensional and full of color and sound, and she didn't want to think about how she looked forward to seeing him, talking to him. She felt like she'd been sleepwalking for years, and had suddenly awoken.

Justin was on break, had rented a beach house in a secluded ocean resort town and invited her to come and stay with him. A paperback romance novel she'd once read supplied a mental picture of a cozy, intimate house right on the ocean with a private beach and a patio with a hot tub and a bedroom with large skylights and a roaring fireplace. Instead of her usual casual vacation clothing she packed the sort of sexy, tight clothes and slinky lingerie the world thought she always wore. Her stomach was in knots of anticipation. She couldn't wait to get there.

The morning she arrived she was rather surprised to find the spacious beach house full. JC was there, smiling his sleepy, knowing smile, as was Chris, Lance, and a full complement of security and staff. She felt a little out of place at first, but they were all so relaxed, so casual and genuinely welcoming and friendly. They immediately included her in all their activities, swimming, sunbathing, boogie boarding. She sat on the sun deck and talked quietly with Lance, about books, about movies, and it was so oddly relaxing. Her eyes sought Justin, playing in the surf and apparently doing his level best to drown JC. Their laughter drifted up to the deck and she smiled. Lance patted her shoulder when he left to get drinks, and she was puzzled by the little smile on his face. It looked surprisingly like pity.

In the unusual pleasure of being with people who didn't want or expect anything of her other than that she enjoy herself, she forgot why she was there. She didn't think about it again until late that night when Lance folded his poker hand, smothered a yawn and announced his intention to hit the sack. One by one the others followed, and she felt the now familiar flutter in her stomach as Justin stretched in his chair, groaning when his back cracked and smiling sleepily at her. She waited until they were alone in the giant living room before asking him shyly where she was sleeping.

"Oh! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought someone showed you . . ." he broke off and jumped to his feet, pulling her to hers and along behind him up the stairs. It was a huge multi-storied house, and he led her to a door on the third floor and opened it, ushering her inside. "I thought you'd like this one," he said quietly. "It has these really big skylights, so you can see the moon."

It did indeed have four giant skylights in the sloped ceiling, as well as a huge sliding glass door opening out to a wrap around deck looking out onto the ocean. Her luggage was sitting neatly at the foot of the double bed. She froze for a moment, eyes searching for signs of another occupant, then smiled her thanks at Justin. She kept the smile firmly in place until the door shut safely behind him and his footsteps faded away.

~ ~ ~ ~

It had been awhile since she'd felt the need to walk in the silence of the night beneath a full and luminous moon, but her mind and body were both restless despite the long day of travel and activity. She slid silently out her patio door, leaving her empty room behind, and walked to the end of the deck. The moon made a beautiful shimmering reflection on the ocean spread out before her, and she wondered brokenly why it didn't give her the peace she sought, why she suddenly felt so alone.

The rhythm of the waves hitting the sand should have soothed her, but instead she found herself even more agitated, her body thrumming in time with the waves and urging her to pace. She left her perch on the railing of the deck to walk around the house, her footsteps soft and silent on the graying wood. There was a faint glow coming from the sliding glass doors at the farthest end of the big house, and she hesitated before crossing the pattern of light on the wood before her. Her heart pounding, her form hidden in the darkness beyond the warm light reflecting softly from the window, she peered carefully inside.

There were huge skylights much like her own cold and empty room, but this room was aglow with moonlight and soft candle light. The hall door was just closing as someone entered, easing the door shut behind him. Justin, freshly showered and stripped down to boxers, his tall golden form and smile unmistakable as he moved toward the man rising from the queen sized bed to meet him. JC, also in boxers, his skin pale and silver like her own beneath the glow from the skylights, and they moved into each other's arms easily, eagerly, without hesitation.

Her breath caught in her chest and she moved farther back into the shadows, watching wide eyed as Justin slid his hand gently over JC's face, smiling down into his eyes, speaking softly before kissing him, softly, then deeply. She saw JC's hands move over Justin's upper arms and shoulders, his mouth opening and tongue appearing as their bodies eased closer together. They smiled, murmured softly to each other and they moved toward the bed slowly, despite unmistakable signs of mutual arousal. It was impossible that this was the first time for them.

On some level she knew that what she was doing was wrong, that she was invading their privacy. But she couldn't stop, fascinated and attracted to the soft golden glow they made together like a tiny moth to warm light. Their bodies, slick with sweat, moved together in a devastating rhythm that seemed painfully perfect to her, slipped together as if oiled. She continued to watch as they folded around each other on the bed, silver and gold, eyes open and seeing only each other, their hands and mouths and bodies gentle and loving, and she watched until the cold wind off the water made her shiver, until the silver moonshine lost its luster, until the pain in her chest caused her breath to rasp in her throat, until the tears dripping down her face froze on her cheeks.

She returned to her empty room, and ignored the bed to sit on the floor in the pale reflection of the moon through the skylight so thoughtfully provided. She closed her eyes and raised her face, letting the glow bathe over her as she accepted her isolation and remembered that in the beginning, it had been all she ever wanted.

~ End

With many thanks to Jess for the betaaaaah...